De buldog van Bulgari

Ik heb een nare mededeling voor u, lieve lezer. Het Bulgari-gezeik heeft - zeer helaas - de nacht overleefd. Gisteren, iets voor lunchtijd, begon het met de volgende mail van Abc Dfg, de External Relations Officer van de Bulgari Spa:

Van: Abc Dfg
Verzonden: woensdag 10 december 2008 11:51
Aan: Emily Gordts
Onderwerp: FW: [Fwd: [Fwd: Spa at the Bulgari Hotel, Milan]]

Dear Mrs Gordts,

your e-mail has been re-directed to me by Uvw Xyz, the Spa Manager at the Bulgari Hotel Milan.

First of all we would like to thank you for choosing the Bulgari Hotel during your stay in Milan and for your interest in our Spa as setting of your novel. Please be informed that in order to assist you on your inquiry we would need to receive some general information on the novel plot and possibly the text referring to the Spa at the Bulgari Hotel sothat we can check that all the reported information on the Spa are correct and in line with our image. In order to better support you to this extent we would like to liaise you with one of our local PR. Can you please advise where you are based sothat we can put you in contact with one of our local press offices.

Thanking you in advance for your cooperation, we send you our kindest regards
Abc

Wanhopende dat mevrouwtje Dfg al snel genoeg van me krijgt, stuur ik per ommegaande het volgende terug...

From: Emily Gordts
Sent: mercoledì 10 dicembre 2008 11.58
To: Abc Dfg
Subject: Re: [Fwd: [Fwd: Spa at the Bulgari Hotel, Milan]]

Dear Abc,

I already received a lengthy reply! Thank you all the same.

Yours,
Emily

Maar dan ken ik Abc nog niet!!! Nee, Abc is een pitbull, die bovendien een héél belangrijk merk vertegenwoordigt, met PR-agences all over the fucking world! Dat ik dat maar eventjes weet.

Van: Abc Dfg
Verzonden: donderdag 11 december 2008 12:51
Aan: Emily Gordts
Onderwerp: RE: [Fwd: [Fwd: Spa at the Bulgari Hotel, Milan]]

Dear Emily,

Thanks for your e-mail. Would it be possible to receive your full contact details or Country where you are located sothat I can put you in touch with one of our local PR. Thanks again

Kind regards
Abc

Laten we zeggen dat mijn irritatiegrens op dit punt danig overschreden wordt, temeer omdat ik juist geniet van een heuse flow. Goed, ik hoef niet meteen te antwoorden; het vrouwtje heeft alleen mijn mailadres, en niets anders.

Echter, dit mens knaagt aan mijn gemoedsrust, en dat kan gewoon niet. Wie recht heeft om aan mijn gemoedsrust te knagen (ouders, vrienden, leraren Latijn), ok, maar wie dat recht niet heeft, moet er met zijn al dan niet A-merkerige poten van afblijven! Ik wil dus met spoed van deze External Relations Officer af, en niet in het minst omdat ik nooit heb gevraagd een External Relation te worden.

From: Emily Gordts
Sent: giovedì 11 dicembre 2008 13.11
To: Abc Dfg
Subject: RE: [Fwd: [Fwd: Spa at the Bulgari Hotel, Milan]]

Dear Abc,

That is no longer necessary, but thank you so much for the offer!

Yours,
Emily

Hel, hel! De buldog van Bulgari laat niet los: precies drie kwartier later krijg ik wéér een reactie. (Nu ik dit zo opschrijf, heb ik ontzettend veel zin om haar met foto en al op deze website pleuren, maar ik ben GeenStijl niet.)

Van: Abc Dfg
Verzonden: donderdag 11 december 2008 14:57
Aan: Emily Gordts
Onderwerp: RE: [Fwd: [Fwd: Spa at the Bulgari Hotel, Milan]]

Dear Emily,

sorry if I am writing again, however due to an internal misunderstanding your e-mail which was sent to the Bulgari Hotel Spa reached Bulgari press office only yesterday and we soon contacted you.

Please be informed that according to our policy we should always be informed about the use of our brand name and information, so if you do not mind I would like to ask to you again some information on the plot of the novel in particular in connection with the Spa of the Bulgari Hotel Milan.

Again, sorry for any inconvenience, if you wish, we can also talk over the phone, I would only take a few minutes. Thanks in advance for your understanding

Kind regards
Abc

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

Van: Emily Gordts
Verzonden: donderdag 11 december 2008 15:21
Aan: Abc Dfg
Onderwerp: RE: [Fwd: [Fwd: Spa at the Bulgari Hotel, Milan]]

Dear Abc,

You really have nothing to worry about, and may I please kindly remind you that if I had not contacted the architects about the details of the spa, you would never have known about my forthcoming novel.

Please rest assured that nothing possibly happens in the Spa which could not be in line with the image of the hotel. It's a novel about an art consultant and only half a chapter is set in the Spa. He sees the beauty of it, enjoys a massage, ponders about how lucky he is to be there, and goes on with his life.

I do hope this will do!

Yours,
Emily

B*TCH.